Labels and names

I’ve been called many things over my lifetime. Since I’m just now learning about autism – how it relates to ME, PERSONALLY…I’ve been struggling with figuring out who I am now. My mind knows I’m still the same person, just with a bit more knowledge now, and the beginnings of some self-understanding. My heart, however, feels lost and unsure. I still carry the words that I’ve been labeled with. I’m lucky though, most are positive.

I woke up thinking of all the names that have been thrown at me over time, and which ones of them I want to stick. Which ones of them I’m not proud of. Which ones are right, which ones are incorrect. Which ones crushed me, which ones made my day. I decided to write them all out here, for better or for worse. I will simply dump them all here so I can stop thinking about them, at least for a bit. Because I think it’s time for that.

Note: I am a grown woman, and many of these I haven’t heard in years. Some, I have heard all my life. They are in a loosely-organized chronological order.

Sweet
Stubborn
Demanding
Sharing
Kind
Daughter
Musical
Impulsive
Thoughtful
Pretty
Best friend
Cautious
Reader
Happy
Wise
Smart
Temperamental
Bean pole
Genius
Stuck-Up
Quiet
Snob
Honest
Spoiled
Optimistic
Friendly
Unapproachable
Attentive
Victim
Girlfriend
Diva
Leader
Sassy
Spunky
Generous
Bossy
Twirler
Messy
Book smart
Volunteer
Brilliant
Gifted
Beautiful
Old (when young)
Young (when old)
Moxie
Hard-headed
Talented
Determined
Barbie doll
Strong
Selfish
Goody-goody
Rambler
Intelligent
Princess
Flawed
Sad
Self-aware
Stupid
Sexy
Clumsy
In touch
Out of touch
Patient
Independent
Control freak
Clingy
Dancer
Open-minded
Closed-minded
Creative
Regimented
Runner
Bitchy
Tough
Impatient
Loner
Smart ass
Sarcastic
Impressionable
Hopeless Romantic
Delusional
Lovely
Graceful
Mother
Genius
Perfectionist
Vegetarian
Omnivore
Impossible
Innocent
Baker
Passionate
Cook
Hostess
Naive
Thinker
Artistic
Free spirit
Slow
Activist
Wife
Crafter
Student
Innovative
Rancher
Narcissist
Appreciative
Complicated
Precious
Searcher
Lazy
Alive
Fiery
Special Needs Mom
Protector
Fighter
Vicious
Brave
Terrified
Gardener
Scarred
Scared
Scary
Intimidating
Thankful
Bold
Loyal
Dead
Eccentric
Obsessive
Vocal
Demanding
Shy
Dreamer
Community-minded
Reclusive
Direct
Open
Improving
Autistic
Head-In-Sand
Blind
Aspergers
Avoiding
In denial
Aspergirl
Asperblogger
Lucky

I really don’t know why I wrote this all out. But I feel much lighter now. Clear-headed.

Yesterday I became very aware, as I read, liked, and followed many great blogs, that there is an entire community out there of people who “get it”. I felt a bit self-conscious of what I have written, but also excited that people took time and read, or commented on it. I’m very thankful.

This little list isn’t very entertaining or educational or informative, I’m afraid. But it’s what I felt I needed to say today. Can people do that? Lay down all the names and labels, and then perhaps possibly carefully choose which ones they’d like to pick back up again? And, whether it can be done or not…maybe that’s what I will do anyways. 🙂 Yeah. That is probably what I will do.

150 names/labels. And it is just the start.

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