Two hours. That’s how long it took me to remember to see things from someone else’s viewpoint. And not just any someone: my sweet husband. The one I should be thinking of, before I react. Before I speak. And definitely before TWO HOURS pass by.
So here is what happened.
We were to attend a big party this weekend. Dinner, etc. Hours and hours away. An event that I honestly was dreading. But we were going anyways. Background: my husband owns a business and does business-y things, and I try really hard to support him. He provides for us, and I can put on a pretty face and do whatever needs doing and smile and whatnot. This has included things such as hosting company parties, attending events all over with him, things like that. I always am exhausted afterwards, and he tells me that I’m useless for days afterwards. But by god I can do it! I can dress up and throw on pearls and tie on aprons and get to work. This one would be a large gathering, at places I’ve never been.
I just really dread things like this. Which is funny, because often times, I actually really enjoy myself. Particularly when I host events – I love accolades and compliments and control of the evening. I can wear the wings of a social butterfly quite naturally, I think. I’ve always been this way, for as long as I can remember. The high and then the hibernate. I enjoy it though…even though I pay a price. This was one of the “things” I used to “prove” that I wasn’t autistic a few months ago. Social butterfly! Makes eye contact! And everyone is tired after events…
But anyways. Back to this weekend. And two hours.
My mother in law was to watch our children for the weekend, so that we could travel and party.
She called this morning to let us know that she was ill with the flu and wouldn’t be able to do this.
Husband: She has the flu. We won’t be going this weekend.
I might have even said, yippee! And clapped.
I cannot hide my true feelings, like, ever.
I was relieved. Sorry she was sick, but TOTALLY relieved when my husband told me that we would be unable to attend. He was handling the notifications. I was ecstatic – there are so many things I want to do at home this weekend! No tight shoes, no pearls, no pretty face! Nope nope nope (I don’t complain about dresses anymore, since I’ve started to make my own retro-inspired dresses, and I adore them).
It took me two hours to realize that my husband would be very let down about this. He was really looking forward to the trip, the food, the fun, and some of the things him and I were going to do and see while there. I wish I would have thought about it sooner. I really really do. I hate how, regardless of what it is I’m feeling, I just expect others around me to share those feelings. If I’m happy, why aren’t you? If I’m sad, why aren’t you? Ugh.
This is better than it used to be, though. My husband keeps telling me I’ve improved over the years. It’s odd, since in my own view, I think I’ve gotten terribly worse. He says it is my awareness now, that makes me more cognizant of my own actions – and where I fit in my world.
So this is why, two hours later, I suddenly said I was sorry. And I am.
(But I’m still totally looking forward to staying home)