There are so many to choose from! Things that make me uncomfortable vary sometimes, but there are some things that will always do it.
For most of my life, I was unaware that I was autistic. Once I faced it, I found myself reevaluating my entire life, looking at my own experiences through a different lens. This was both positive and negative – positive being I could view events, upsets, and interactions with others much more clearly and with far greater understanding – it was like suddenly the light bulbs went on and I could SEE. Negative, being I could see where understanding and planning could have prevented or at least smoothed out many of my stumbling errors and mis-steps (on both my end and others’) and, again, the light bulbs went on and I could see with far greater clarity some of the worst events in my life. I don’t like thinking about those, yet I find myself pondering on them far too often. Ah, hindsight.
Okay. So. Here we are. Reasons I am uncomfortable. Right now, today.
1) I am talking about my autism. In a public space (hello, internet). Something only a teensy handful of people know about me. I am very shy about it. The day I see that someone other than my husband is reading this blog, I may freak out a little bit. I hope mean people don’t find this blog.
Thank goodness this public space is active, busy, and I am basically hiding in a safe quiet little corner all my own.
2) The tops of my cowboy boots are annoying my legs. The leather isn’t broken in yet, and soft supple buttery is what I want them to be, but they aren’t. Not yet. I put them on to go let the ladies out. The ladies are our chickens. They’re happy ladies. And spoiled, very spoiled. They have just started to lay eggs, pretty little pastel green orbs.
Anyways, this uncomfortableness is easily fixed. I can just take my boots off. I should have at the door. But, then my feet get cold. And being cold lately has been painful. Weird, huh? It is hard to explain, but it hurts. I know that. I don’t really like boots, or shoes. I’m glad summer is coming.
3) There is a noise in my house and I cannot locate it. This really bothers me. It’s low, but constant. Not the heater, I don’t think. Not the coffee maker. Something, something. I have all noise turned off in the house, trying to find the offender. I will find it, and fix it.
4) I may need to go to town today. Actually, I needed to go before today. I keep putting it off. Some days, I just really don’t want to see people. I will be nice and friendly and converse and transact and do what needs doing – but it actually takes some effort, and afterwards I will be tired. Plus, plans change. The places I need to go might be closed. Or my husband might want me to run his errands or bring him something. The grocer might be out of the items on my list.
NO BIG DEAL. All stuff that is really NO BIG DEAL AT ALL. And I realize this. It’s more the cumulative, unsure feeling I get about it all. I can handle this though. I can handle the unknown-but-sure-to-be-eventful trip into town.
If I go now, then I can swap my boots for some soft slip-ons. And, I can escape that annoying noise. See? It all works out. Okay. That is the new plan.
Plus, I can then end this little note of mine on this blog of mine about this autism of mine. I love writing, I love talking, I love autism. But sometimes that “love” really means “hate” – but only sometimes.